WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall today of several high-profile GOP candidates due to a critical defect in their base turnout mechanisms.
The federal safety agency issued the emergency notice after reports of severe malfunctions in key swing states. According to the recall filing, affected congressional and Senate models failed to deploy the critical Donald Trump endorsement module. This failure left millions of conservative voters completely dormant in their packaging.
Hazard and Affected Units
"We discovered a wiring issue in the candidate's core ambition chip," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The candidate wants to win the general election, but they refuse to ignite the primary engine. This contradiction causes the base turnout system to stall, smoke, and ultimately shut down."
The recall affects approximately nine premium Senate units manufactured between 2022 and 2024. Regulators warn that operating these candidates without a fully integrated Donald Trump booster pack may result in total loss of political power.
Remedy and Replacement
"We advise campaign managers to immediately stop using these candidates," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "If your candidate shows signs of independent thought, please return them to the nearest county headquarters. Technicians will perform a factory reset to restore standard party compliance."
At press time, several recalled candidates were seen attempting to stand upright in public without any visible means of support.
