TO: All Event Staff and Volunteers
FROM: GOP Midterm Convention Planning Committee
RE: Mandatory Vocal Synchronization and Brand Uniformity
DATE: May 12, 2026
As we welcome thousands of attendees to the Dallas convention center, we must maintain a unified message. Effective immediately, all staff must refer to every Republican candidate on the midterm ballot simply as "Trump." This policy applies to all speeches, introductory remarks, and casual hallway conversations. We must eliminate any voter confusion regarding who is actually running for office this year.
Streamlining the Brand
"We discovered that mentioning other names reduces applause by up to seventy percent," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who was hired to consult on the crowd acoustics for the GOP midterm convention. "When a speaker says 'Trump,' the crowd roars. When they say 'Congressional Candidate Jenkins,' the crowd falls asleep. For maximum energetic output, we are simply converting all human names in the program to 'Trump.'"
Security personnel must also enforce this rule at all metal detectors. If a guest asks for directions to the restroom, staff should direct them to "the Trump Room." Food vendors must also relabel all hot dogs as "Trump Sticks" to ensure total brand alignment across the convention floor.
The Ballot Simplification Initiative
Organizers believe this linguistic shift will help mobilize voters who only want to vote for one specific individual. A recent poll showed that local voters are highly motivated, but only if they believe they are voting for the same man multiple times on a single ticket.
"It makes my job much easier," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass, who is managing the stage microphones. "I only have to program one name into the teleprompter. If a candidate tries to say their own real name, my system automatically mutes them and plays a pre-recorded clip of a cheering crowd."
Please memorize these guidelines before the evening sessions begin. We must project absolute unity. If we do not make the former president believe that he is personally running for all 435 congressional seats, he will leave Dallas early and we will not be able to pay the venue deposit.
