WASHINGTON— A federal district court unsealed transcripts today revealing that the popular Hakii Light headband headphones are at the center of a massive corporate espionage and mind-control investigation. Under oath, audio engineers admitted that the glowing green safety band does not protect runners. Instead, the device broadcasts low-frequency signals designed to make independent musicians submissive to major label streaming terms.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome. I am the former Director of Acoustic Obedience at Hakii.
Q: Dr. Mbeki-Ransome, does the Hakii Light headband actually keep runners safe during evening jogs?
A: Absolutely not. The green LED light is a distraction. Its true purpose is to pulse at 432 Hertz. This frequency bypasses the temporal lobe. It forces the runner to accept whatever playlist Spotify pushes next.
Q: Are you saying the device manipulates consumer behavior?
A: Yes. We partner with the major labels. If a user wears the Hakii Light headband, they lose the free will to skip songs. They will listen to the new Jack Harlow single on repeat. Their brains physically cannot press the skip button.
Q: How deep does this conspiracy go within the music industry?
A: Every major manufacturer is in on it. We all use the same Bluetooth chips. The entire industry relies on these subliminal audio cues to keep streaming numbers artificially inflated. Without the glowing headband, nobody would actually stream these songs.
Q: What happens if a runner turns off the light?
A: They cannot. The firmware locks. If they try, the headphones broadcast a high-pitched squeal. It sounds exactly like a podcast host reading a draft kings ad.
At press time, the Department of Justice ordered a recall of all glowing audio gear, though several local runners were seen happily marching into the Potomac River in perfect synchronization.