FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
AUSTIN, TX—The James Talarico campaign is thrilled to announce the official launch of the James Talarico Campaign Tour across the great state of Lone Star ambition. Starting today, candidate James Talarico will embark on a historic journey to visit all 35 Texas locations of Buc-ee's to maintain steady eye contact with voters near the fudge counter.
A bold vision for personal space
This unprecedented statewide swing demonstrates an unyielding commitment to middle-class retail spaces. Talarico will spend up to eight hours per day standing perfectly still near the wall of taxidermy. He will offer voters a firm, lingering handshake that only ends when the voter leaves the building.
"We are taking our message of relentless proximity directly to the people," said Sarah Jenkins, Senior Vice President of Strategic Aggressive Nodding for the campaign. "Texas voters do not want fancy speeches. They want a candidate who will follow them through the gas pump lanes at a polite three-foot distance."
Connecting on the issues
Throughout the James Talarico Campaign Tour, local residents can expect zero policy debate. Instead, they will experience heavy, meaningful breathing during peak snack hours. The campaign believes this strategy will resonate deeply with undecided suburban voters.
"I was looking at a novelty t-shirt about lawnmowers," said local voter Greg Higgins. "Then James Talarico appeared beside me. He didn’t say anything. He just pointed at the Texas flag printed on my cup. It was transformative."
About the Talarico Campaign
The James Talarico Campaign Tour is a temporary tax write-off organized by three college interns using a borrowed 2012 Honda Civic. The organization has no official political platform, zero actual permits for commercial gathering, and reserves the right to abandon the tour if the air conditioning in the Civic fails.
