WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for all active units of Big Bang, the foundational South Korean musical group, citing severe emotional hazards. Regulators identified the product as the 2006-era boy band blueprint. They warn that the group's sudden return at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium violates federal safety standards for historical pop density.
Hazard Analysis
According to safety inspectors, exposure to the group triggers acute chronological vertigo. Consumers over the age of thirty reported sudden joint pain while attempting the choreography to 'Fantastic Baby'. "We found a 400% spike in millennial weeping," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The sheer volume of eyeliner used by Big Bang poses a direct threat to our current minimalist aesthetic."
The recall affects all studio albums, live performances, and holographic projections of the quintet. The CPSC advises citizens to handle any remaining CD booklets with heavy-duty tongs.
Remedy And Disposal Instructions
"We are urging immediate de-escalation of all listening parties," said Richard Vance, Deputy Inspector of Temporal Containment. "Do not attempt to hit the high notes in 'Haru Haru' without a spotter." The agency advises consumers to exchange their vintage Big Bang merchandise for a safer, modern alternative. Approved substitutes include three pre-vetted, highly sanitized fourth-generation K-pop tracks.
At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating neon yellow crown-shaped lightsticks from screaming fans for safe detonation at a secure military facility.
