MONTREAL—Canadian indie rock staples Land of Talk announced their new album LASTS today. This announcement triggered an immediate, localized panic among aging hipsters who suddenly remembered their youth. The news forced thousands of 38-year-olds to confront the passage of linear time. Experts warn the lead single, '4:44,' contains dangerously high levels of clean guitar tones.
1. Local Man Searches Attic For Corduroy Jacket
The announcement caused Montreal resident Arthur Pendelton to immediately climb into his attic. He spent three hours searching for a specific brown corduroy jacket. 'I cannot listen to a new Land Of Talk album in athleisure,' Pendelton said. 'My emotional state requires the weight of unstructured cotton.'
2. Algorithmic Sadness Spikes Globally
'We saw a 400 percent spike in looking wistfully out of rainy bus windows,' said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. Okonkwo-Bright noted that the Land Of Talk album release caused users to delete their fitness apps. They replaced them with old blogspot links.
3. Local Record Store Clerk Forced To Have Opinion
Local record store clerk Damien Vance prepared himself for the onslaught of customer inquiries. 'When people hear about the Land Of Talk album release, they want to discuss late-2000s Montreal scene politics,' Vance sighed. 'I just wanted to listen to techno in peace today.'
4. Pitchfork Writers Attempt To Unearth 8.2 Rating Template
Staff writers at Pitchfork reportedly spent the morning searching legacy servers for vintage adjectives. They need terms like 'wistful,' 'urgent,' and 'chiming.' One editor confirmed they will use the word 'reckoning' at least four times in the upcoming review.
5. A 40-Year-Old Man Gently Cries Into An Artisanal IPA
At press time, the Land Of Talk album release forced local father Greg Miller to sit in his garage and stare at a lawnmower while thinking about his college girlfriend who moved to Portland in 2009.
