TO: All Apple Store Retail Genius Staff
FROM: Corporate Product Integration Group
RE: Launch of the foldable iPhone Duo
Team, this week we officially launch the new foldable iPhone Duo. Customers will ask why they are paying $1,999. Do not tell them the truth. Do not mention the gray industrial adhesive. If they see the silver tape on the spine, call it our new proprietary hinge technology. We engineered this device to feel heavy. We wanted to give consumers twice the screen. We achieved this by literally taping two standard units together in our assembly plants.
A Seamless Dual-Screen Illusion
“Customers might notice that the two screens do not share data,” said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. “They are two distinct operating systems. You have to charge them using two separate cables. However, the tape holds them tight. This creates a very expensive illusion of unity.” If a user tries to fold the device backward, the tape will snap. This is not a defect. Tell the customer they simply exceeded the maximum allowed angle of innovation.
We must control the public narrative. Competitors like Samsung Electronics are mocking our timeline. They claim we entered the folding market too late. They do not understand our genius. They built complex flexible glass. We used heavy-duty gray tape. Our solution is much cheaper to manufacture. Yet, we charge twice the price.
Handling the Sticky Residue
“My unit began oozing a sticky gray residue after ten minutes of use,” said Marcus Vance, Director of Hardware Appraisal at the Institute for Expensive Rectangles. “It smelled strongly of a hardware store. It ruined my linen trousers.” If a customer complains about sticky hands, hand them an Apple-branded solvent wipe. We sell these wipes separately for $49.
Please memorize these talking points. We need to clear this inventory before the tape loses its stickiness in the humid summer air. Happy selling!
