TO: All Shenzhen Assembly Facility Leads
FROM: Senior VP of Friction Optimization
RE: Mandatory iPhone 18 battery drain protocols
This memo outlines crucial new procedures for our latest smartphone release. Effective immediately, we require a total iPhone 18 battery drain before any unit leaves the warehouse. No device may ship to consumers with more than three percent power remaining. This represents our commitment to the ultimate unboxing experience.
The Protocol
Staff must unbox completed units and run intensive graphics tests. We recommend playing demanding 3D games at maximum screen brightness. Do not turn off the flashlight during this process. We must deplete the lithium-ion cells to a state of near-death. Only then may you reseal the box for shipment.
"A fully charged phone breeds complacency," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The modern consumer needs to feel immediate panic. If they do not scramble for a charger within four seconds of opening the box, we have failed them as designers."
Required Accessories
This initiative will encourage customers to purchase our new high-speed charging bricks. The Apple Store will heavily feature these accessories. We must train consumers to associate our brand with immediate, desperate power management. We thank you for your cooperation in making our launch as stressful as possible.
CONFIDENTIAL SENDER NOTE: We need to juice the accessory sales metrics by Tuesday or the board will execute my department's budget.
