TO: All Apple Retail and Engineering Staff
FROM: Office of John Ternus, CEO
RE: The New iPhone Release Cadence
Team, we must evolve. Our current schedule is too slow. Customers wait a whole year for a new device. This delay allows them time to think. They contemplate their life choices. They look at their bank accounts. This intellectual pause ends today. We are shifting to a continuous delivery model. We will now launch a new smartphone model every forty-eight hours.
The Infinite Upgrade Cycle
This new iPhone release cadence demands total dedication. We will announce the iPhone 19 on Monday morning. The iPhone 20 will debut on Wednesday afternoon. By Friday night, the iPhone 21 will render all previous models obsolete. Do not worry about inventing new features. Our marketing team will simply rename the colors. We will call blue 'Deep Space Violet' on Tuesday. We will call it 'Quantum Ocean' on Thursday.
"This strategy exploits the human fear of being left behind," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Consumers will experience a constant state of mild panic. They will buy just to stop the anxiety."
Logistical Adjustments
Our retail stores must adapt. Store employees must change the display tables twice a day. Do not allow customers to form lines. The lines will block the delivery trucks bringing the next model. We are also introducing a mandatory direct-deposit program. We will automatically deduct the cost of the latest phone from customer bank accounts. We call this 'frictionless upgrading.'
We know this iPhone release cadence is aggressive. Your families will miss you. Your sleep schedules will collapse. However, our stock price requires this sacrifice. We must empty their wallets before they realize the cameras are exactly the same. Thank you for your obedience.
