A leaked court transcript from a high-stakes class-action hearing has exposed the bizarre internal logic behind the new Meta child safety changes. During intense questioning, tech executives scrambled to explain how their platforms interact with adolescent minds. The lawsuit, which recently resulted in a massive multibillion-dollar settlement, forced industry leaders to define the exact parameters of childhood for the first time in Silicon Valley history.
Q: Can you describe the primary goal of these new Meta child safety changes?
A: Yes. We want to stop teens from scrolling at 3:00 AM. Our data shows that sleep-deprived teenagers buy 40% fewer virtual hats. We need them rested. Rested minds are premium advertising real estate.
Q: Do you believe your platforms, like Instagram, damage the mental health of minors?
A: Damage is a strong word. We prefer to say we 'optimized their emotional volatility.' A stable teen is a passive consumer. An anxious teen will click on three pair of boots they cannot afford. We merely facilitated commerce.
Q: Is it true you designed the notification system to mimic casino slot machines?
A: Absolutely not. Slot machines have regulations. We modeled our algorithm on the feeding schedule of lab rats in a deprivation chamber. It is much more efficient.
Q: How do you respond to allegations that you profit off the loneliness of children?
A: Loneliness is the engine of the modern internet. If we cured loneliness, the entire digital economy would collapse by Tuesday. We did not create the void. We simply monetized the echo inside it.
Q: Under these new Meta child safety changes, what will happen to the data you already collected on these children?
A: We will store it in a secure underground bunker in Utah. It will remain there until they turn eighteen, at which point we will sell it back to their employers to determine their baseline productivity scores.
