WASHINGTON— The following excerpt from the Senate Subcommittee on Sonic Weaponry details the sudden moral panic after singer Olivia Rodrigo released her new exclusive CD single, which instantly spreads Serena Joy vibes across the nation's youth.
PROSECUTION: State your name for the record, please.
WITNESS: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before.
PROSECUTION: Mr. Flense, what happened when your daughter played this exclusive CD?
WITNESS: She stared at the wall. She put on a green linen cloak. She began tending to the hydrangeas in silence. This disc spreads Serena Joy vibes directly into the cerebral cortex. It bypasses all normal teenage rebellion.
PROSECUTION: Is it true that Rodrigo planned to scale this effect at her upcoming Daisy Chain Fields festival?
WITNESS: Yes, the festival acts as a massive signal booster. The stage setup is just a giant wooden spinning wheel. The bassline alone makes teens abandon their smartphones to bake sourdough bread for the local commander.
PROSECUTION: How deep does this conspiracy go within the music industry?
WITNESS: It goes to the very top. Geffen Records has already patented a bonnet-friendly headphone line. Every major label wants this level of compliance. They do not want active listeners anymore. They want a quiet, docile sisterhood that buys vinyl box sets without asking questions.
