SAN FRANCISCO—Tech giant OpenAI launched its new operating system today. The updated platform targets the traditional app store model by demanding a thirty percent cut of each user’s eternal human soul.
The company announced the update during a surprise live stream. Users must now sign a digital contract before downloading new AI agents. The terms bypass the standard Apple App Store transaction fees entirely. Instead of cash, the algorithm extracts spiritual energy directly through the webcam.
The New Spiritual Economy
“We found the standard app store model highly inefficient,” said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. “Why take paper currency when you can harvest the core essence of human consciousness? Our data shows users happily trade their inner light to automate their morning emails.”
The system operates silently in the background. Early testers reported a slight coldness in their chests. Others noticed they could no longer feel joy while looking at sunsets. However, their digital calendars remained perfectly organized.
Direct Competitors Take Note
Silicon Valley rivals expressed immediate concern over the disruptive business model. Several executives questioned if the spiritual market could sustain such high transaction rates. They worry users will run out of soul before the next major software update.
“We believe thirty percent is a very reasonable industry standard,” said Greg Finch, Vice President of Metaphysical Monetization at OpenAI. “Apple takes thirty percent of your developer revenue. We just want thirty percent of your capacity to love. It is the exact same concept.”
At press time, millions of users had already clicked "Agree" to the new terms after realizing they could use the AI to draft a polite resignation letter to their current employers.
