Music
Cash Cobain Sample Sparks Global Shortage of Snap-Era Finger Muscles
A dangerous shortage of finger muscles hits fans trying to snap along to the new Cash Cobain track, 'Betcha Can't'.
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Music
Jim Jarmusch Album Demanded by Sacred Crow, Memo Reveals
A leaked memo reveals Sacred Bones Records is releasing the new Jim Jarmusch album to appease a giant, talking crow living in their attic.
Music
Underage Rage Rap Duo recalled by FDA for structural ear damage
Regulators issue an urgent recall for the Underage Rage Rap Duo collab 'KickAss (Pull Up Pls)' due to extreme high-frequency hazards.
Technology
Product Recall Issued for iPhone Duo Foldable Phones Due to Gravity Snapping Hazards
A formal product recall has been issued for the new iPhone Duo foldable phone due to severe screen-snapping hazards that mimic commercial mousetraps.
Music
Liars New Album Revealed As Elaborate Tax Loophole In Federal Court
A federal court transcript exposes the Liars new album as an elaborate corporate tax shelter and synthetic asset scheme.
Politics
Israel Denials Memo Shows Netanyahu Denies Having Ever Been Warned
Leaked memo outlines how Israel denials dictate that Benjamin Netanyahu cannot biologically receive warnings of any kind.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Dress Commission Prevents Total Collapse of Global Textile Industry
A single Olivia Rodrigo dress commission has reportedly saved the global textile sector from complete financial ruin.
World
Juror Press Release Declares Verdict Was a Synergy-Rich Emotional Rollercoaster
A PR firm representing the jury says their mistrial created a synergy-rich emotional rollercoaster.
Music
Soul Glo New Album Sparking Panic In Federal Court Hearing
A federal court transcript reveals how the Soul Glo new album is causing panic among Wall Street analysts and streaming executives.
Politics
GOP Midterm Convention Memo Demands Staff Refer To All Candidates As Trump
A leaked memo from the GOP midterm convention reveals that staff must refer to all political candidates as Trump to keep the crowd excited.
Music
Julien Baker Teases LP4 via Mandatory Corporate Sadness Training
Leaked Matador memo shows staff must cry as Julien Baker teases LP4 ahead of her secret Nashville popup.
World
Norway Funeral Dignitaries Accidentally Pledge Fealty To Crown Prince Haakon’s Unhinged Golden Retriever
Dignitaries at the Norway funeral for King Harald V accidentally pledged military fealty to a golden retriever after a protocol mix-up.
Music
Deerhoof Announce New Album via Telepathic Broadcast to Neighborhood Dogs
Deerhoof announce new album 'Divine Schism' via telepathic broadcast to local dogs, bypassing all streaming platforms.
Politics
Missouri Map Recalled After High Levels of Gerrymandering Detected
Federal safety regulators issue a mandatory recall of the Missouri map after detecting dangerously high levels of partisan gerrymandering.
Music
The Avalanches Far Away Collabs Reach Critical Mass in Leaked Memo
A leaked corporate memo reveals the sheer logistical chaos behind the new single, The Avalanches Far Away collabs.
Technology
Suno V6 Partner Leaks Internal Memo Detailing Major Label Co-Production of Static
A leaked internal document shows the Suno V6 partner program aims to automate corporate static.
Science
Ancient Egyptian Judge Tomb Reveals 5 Hilariously Petty Legal Grudges
An ancient judge tomb near Cairo reveals 4,300-year-old passive-aggressive legal grudges carved in stone.
Entertainment
Federal Agency Issues Recall on Billie Eilish Bell Jar Adaptation Due to Severe Sadness Spills
Regulators issue an immediate recall on the Billie Eilish Bell Jar adaptation due to severe risks of localized flooding from audience tears.