Politics
NBA Player Kyle Kuzma Demands Final Approval Over Barack Obama Speeches
A leaked memo shows NBA player Kyle Kuzma requiring former President Barack Obama to submit all rally speeches for pre-approval.
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Music
John Mayer New Song Assembles Virtuoso Musicians to Recreate Cartoon Noises
An internal memo details production rules for the John Mayer new song 'Tom and Jerry' as session players recreate cartoon sound effects.
Politics
Congress Investigates Starlink Slowdown After Tech Titan Restricts Ukraine Bandwidth
Senate records reveal the recent Starlink slowdown occurred after providers applied residential data caps to active warzones.
Music
Ryan Gosling's Dead Man's Bones Album Returns After 17-Year Spooky Hiatus
Get ready for a new Dead Man's Bones album as Ryan Gosling and Zach Shields revive their spooky indie band after 17 years.
Technology
Apple Anti-Theft System Accidentally Traps Store Manager Inside Sealed Box
A court transcript reveals how the new Apple anti-theft system accidentally sealed a store manager inside an unopened shipping box.
Music
Chappell Roan Surprise Duets Trigger Massive Federal Music Fraud Investigation
A federal court transcript reveals how Chappell Roan surprise duets exposed a massive conspiracy ruling the music industry.
Business
Tech Earnings Playbook: 5 Terrifying Milestones Big Tech Will Hit This Quarter
Consult our satirical tech earnings playbook to see what absurd milestones Amazon, Microsoft, and Alphabet will hit this week.
Music
Slayyyter Tour Dates Recalled Following Severe Vocal Cord Structural Failure
Regulators issued an immediate recall for Slayyyter tour dates following reports of vocal cord structural damage across European venues.
Technology
Politicians Launch Data Center Backlash Campaign To Win Suburban Voters
CloudLair Inc. addresses the growing data center backlash with useless buzzwords and plans for giant outdoor speakers.
Music
5 Jay-Z Los Angeles Cameos That Surprised No One
A rundown of the most predictable Jay-Z Los Angeles cameos during his final arena tour stop.
Politics
Campaign Trail Cruelty Guidelines Distributed To Democratic Staffers
Internal memo outlines approved campaign trail cruelty limits for field staff during the upcoming midterm election season.
Music
Tinashe 2027 Tour Plan Revealed in Federal Racketeering Hearing
A federal transcript reveals the shocking administrative reason behind the Tinashe 2027 tour announcement.
Politics
CPSC Issues Recall Of Sanna Marin After Electoral System Overheat
Regulators issued a formal recall of Sanna Marin after the political unit suffered critical electoral instability during recent Nordic stress tests.
Music
Elvis Presley Songs AI Lawsuit Targets Anthropic Over Hologram Emotion Engine
The Elvis Presley songs AI lawsuit seeks $41 million from Anthropic after its Claude chatbot began saying 'thank you very much' to users.
Technology
Apple Store Pickup System Crashes After Millions Order New iPhone Duo
The Apple Store Pickup System crashed instantly today as millions tried to buy the expensive new iPhone Duo.
Politics
Federal Agency Issues Recall on Alaska Senate Certification
Federal regulators issue an immediate safety recall on the Alaska Senate certification after discovering high levels of unmediated democracy.
Music
Leaked Memo Reveals 2Hollis 2027 Tour Designed to Test Human Patience
A leaked memo reveals the 2Hollis 2027 tour strategy to lock up fan ticket money three years in advance.
Politics
Defense Contractors Admit Iran Escalation Is Just Q4 Revenue Strategy
Court testimony reveals defense contractors treat Iran escalation as a routine strategy to boost fourth-quarter corporate profits.