WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent product recall today. The recall targets the upcoming Peter Gabriel new album, tentatively titled o\i. According to federal inspectors, the record poses a severe threat to local spacetime continuums.
Hazard: Dual Mix Gravitational Pull
The safety notice identifies the primary hazard as Gabriel's dual-mix release strategy. Each track features a Bright-Side mix by Mark 'Spike' Stent and a Dark-Side mix by Tchad Blake. When played within the same lunar cycle, these opposing mixes create a violent gravitational shear. This shear has reportedly flattened several home audio setups.
"We observed a 400-percent density spike during 'Been Undone'," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation and lead consultant for the federal investigation. "By the time the needle hit 'Put The Bucket Down,' my clipboard began to orbit the turntable. It is a class-one acoustic hazard."
Affected Units and Remedies
The recall affects all digital files, vinyl pressings, and high-fidelity streams of the Peter Gabriel new album. Regulators urge consumers to immediately cease listening to both mixes. Audiophiles must store the Bright-Side and Dark-Side tracks in separate, lead-lined rooms to prevent quantum entanglement.
"We just wanted to offer listener variety," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "We did not expect the Dark-Side mix of 'Face The Wall' to physically pull a listener's actual face into their living room wall. We are cooperating fully with federal marshals."
At press time, federal agents were attempting to contain a small, singing wormhole that opened inside a hi-fi shop in Portland during a playback of the Peter Gabriel new album.
