FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WARSAW—The Polish government issued an urgent global advisory today regarding a potential accidental attack. Officials warned that Russia has lost control of a literal, 30-ton iron cannon. The weapon is currently rolling down a steep hill toward Western Europe. Experts believe the device will trigger an accidental attack on unsuspecting NATO members within the week.
The Loose Cannon Threat
Polish authorities expressed extreme enthusiasm for proactive defense measures. They noted that the giant weapon bounces erratically over major highways. "We are fully prepared to leverage our synergy," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "This accidental attack represents a dynamic, fast-moving paradigm. We urge our partners to step out of the way of the rolling object. Our defensive posture remains highly collaborative and completely unhelpful."
Local farmers first spotted the weapon near the border. It reportedly crushed a barn before rolling toward Germany. The Polish Armed Forces have deployed several warning signs. The signs instruct citizens to avoid standing directly in front of the rumbling black cylinder.
Unfortunate Inertia
The Polish Ministry of Defense released a statement downplaying any deliberate hostility. The Kremlin reportedly left the handbrake off during a routine cleaning. This negligence initiated the slow-motion accidental attack. "The cannon is simply following the laws of gravity," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "It is not a declaration of war. It is an unfortunate geological event with gunpowder."
About Poland's Defense Initiative: We are a forward-thinking European nation. We specialize in panic-inducing press releases. We possess absolutely no plan to stop the rolling cannon. Please do not call our offices with questions about the cannon.
