WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall notice today for all Venezuelan crude oil imported under the recent White House energy initiative. The emergency order warns that the imported Venezuelan crude oil contains high levels of unrefined socialized infrastructure. These contaminants may cause severe engine stall in capitalistic machinery.
Hazard Details and Affected Units
The recall affects approximately five million barrels of heavy crude shipped to Gulf Coast refineries this month. Federal inspectors discovered that the fuel contains microscopic traces of collective bargaining, free healthcare initiatives, and subsidized public transit. If combusted in American vehicles, this Venezuelan crude oil can cause engines to hum the state national anthem of a sovereign republic.
"We detected dangerous levels of public welfare in the latest shipment," said Rusty Calhoun, Chairman of the Federal Fuel Purity Commission. "American V8 engines require pure, unfiltered free-market hostility. If you expose your Ford F-150 to this Venezuelan crude oil, the truck may refuse to pay tolls. It might even demand a Union-regulated lunch break."
Remedy and Replacement Instructions
The agency urges all commercial refineries to halt the processing of these units immediately. Consumers should check their gasoline pumps for a distinct red tint or a subtle aroma of state-funded agricultural cooperatives. The U.S. Department of Energy will provide a full exchange. Affected barrels can be traded for premium, war-tested petroleum sourced from traditional monarchy-based distributors.
Refineries must flush their systems with liquid deregulation to neutralize the socialist residue. The administration promised to replace the tainted imports with domestic shale harvested from pristine national parks by next Tuesday.
At press time, the Department of Transportation warned that several station wagons in Ohio had already begun carpooling voluntarily.
