MOSCOW—The Federal Service for Consumer Protection announced a voluntary product recall of the 2023 Russian parliamentary election on Friday. Agency officials identified a critical manufacturing defect. The system generated final vote tallies three days before citizens actually reached the polling stations.
The recall affects all regional iterations of the Russian parliamentary election. This includes newly distributed units in occupied Ukraine. Regulators advise citizens to immediately stop interacting with the ballot boxes. The boxes pose a severe threat to the illusion of choice.
Hazard Warning For Voters
"We discovered a critical timing calibration error in the democratic apparatus," said Dr. Mikhail Volkov, Deputy Inspector of Electoral Mechanics. "The software pre-populated the victory database. It did this before we could open the physical voting tents. It is a classic assembly line glitch."
The agency warned that using the defective Russian parliamentary election could cause mild cognitive dissonance. Voters might realize their actions have zero impact on reality. This violates federal safety standards for state-sponsored theater.
Authorized Remedy And Replacement
The government plans to replace the damaged process with an identical Russian parliamentary election next week. The new batch will feature delayed receipt printing. This will ensure the pre-determined results appear only after the polls close.
"We take quality control very seriously," Volkov added. "Our citizens deserve a product that feels authentic. We apologize for showing the final pie charts on state television on Tuesday morning."
The manufacturer advises all affected consumers to return their blank ballots to the nearest municipal furnace for proper disposal. At press time, the agency announced that citizens who participated in the recalled vote would receive a complimentary commemorative USB drive containing their pre-assigned political opinions.
