WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the new Ryan Hemsworth single, "I Missed You More" featuring Nana Lourdes. Agency officials warn that the track contains unstable levels of Portuguese psych-pop. These frequencies pose a severe risk of sudden, involuntary hip-swaying in unprepared listeners. The federal agency classified the Ryan Hemsworth track as a Class I hazard after three indie bloggers reported mild euphoria.
Hazard Specifications
The recall affects all digital streams, MP3 downloads, and conceptual memories of the song. Regulatory inspectors traced the hazard to a specific vocal modulation used by collaborator Nana Lourdes. This frequency bypasses the human eardrum and directly stimulates the nostalgia center of the brain. The Ryan Hemsworth track reportedly causes listeners to stare out of rainy bus windows for hours. It also induces a strong desire to wear pastel turtlenecks.
"We observed a 400 percent spike in wistful gazing during our laboratory tests," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "This level of emotional resonance exceeds the legal limit of 0.4 decibels of yearning. If you have streamed this song, unplug your headphones immediately. Do not attempt to hum the hook. It is highly contagious and could lead to unauthorized art school enrollment."
Affected Units and Remediation
The government ordered Spotify and Apple Music to quarantine the Ryan Hemsworth track in a secure digital vault. Music technicians are currently attempting to dilute the track with generic corporate podcast audio. Representatives for Hemsworth's upcoming solo album, Numbskull, released a brief statement. They urged fans to return any downloaded files to their local municipal hard drives. The Portuguese consulate has denied any diplomatic involvement in the sonic incident.
"This is a classic case of unregulated Canadian-Portuguese synergy," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "Our industry relies on predictable, boring music to keep the public docile. This track threatens that delicate balance. We are recommending a nationwide palate cleanser of white noise."
At press time, federal agents were seen wearing heavy-duty ear protection while attempting to confiscate a USB drive containing the song's stems.
