WASHINGTON—A leaked military tribunal transcript has revealed the geopolitical motivations behind recent Saudi air strikes in the Middle East. The legal proceedings, which investigated global shipping disruptions, quickly turned into a defense of retail logistics. The government's lead witness defended the strategic necessity of the aerial campaign to secure vital commercial waterways.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill, and I serve as the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. I also consult for the global maritime logistics alliance.
Q: Mr. Quill, why did your coalition advise that Saudi air strikes were the appropriate response to regional tensions?
A: We did not look at this through a military lens. We looked at this through the lens of third-quarter operating margins. Those shipping lanes carry crucial global cargo.
Q: Crucial cargo? Like medical supplies and food?
A: I was thinking more about plastic desktop catapults. Also those giant rubber ducks. If a container ship detours around Africa, the delivery of novelty stress balls delays by three weeks. We cannot live in that kind of world.
Q: So you advocated for Saudi air strikes to protect party favors?
A: The global economy relies on cheap impulse purchases. We researched this with Al Jazeera economic data. If the glow-in-the-dark sunglasses do not arrive on time, Western civilization collapses.
Q: Are you telling this court that human lives are secondary to supply chains?
A: I am saying that without the Saudi air strikes, the price of inflatable pool loungers would rise by four percent. I think any reasonable consumer would support our air superiority under those terms.
Q: That is monstrous.
A: That is capitalism, counselor. We keep the plastic flowing, no matter the cost.
