ASHEVILLE—Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent arrived at the G20 summit Wednesday to address global tensions by proposing hefty tariffs on friendship. The administration aims to leverage trade penalties against traditional allies to force cooperation on Middle Eastern foreign policy. Analysts suggest taxing basic diplomatic goodwill could reshape international relations overnight.
The Friendship Deficit
Bessent introduced the policy during an opening breakfast with European finance ministers. Under the new guidelines, the United States will levy a 25% tax on polite nods. Handshakes longer than three seconds will incur a flat $5,000 surcharge. The administration hopes these strict tariffs on friendship will convince stubborn partners to join the American coalition against Iran.
"We have operated under a friendship deficit for too long," said Arthur Pendelton, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Emotional Protectionism. "Europeans enjoy our military protection while exporting high-quality affection. We must protect domestic producers of cold, transactional indifference. Our Treasury Department will no longer tolerate un-tariffed camaraderie."
Allies React To The Cold Shoulder
The sudden policy shift left several global leaders visibly confused. French representatives reportedly tried to wave at Bessent, only to receive a formal invoice from U.S. customs officials. Diplomatic sources confirm that Canada has already retaliated by threatening to tax polite apologies, which could bankrupt the American tourism sector within days.
"We wanted to discuss global supply chains," said French Finance Minister Jean-Luc Dubois. "Instead, Secretary Bessent billed us $400 for sharing a plate of pastries. He called it a tariff on baked solidarity. This is not how you build a coalition to pressure Tehran."
At press time, Bessent was attempting to negotiate a bilateral free-trade agreement regarding awkward glances with the British delegation.