WASHINGTON—Former President Donald Trump assured voters on Tuesday that the ongoing Iran war will end very soon through a series of unprecedented operational maneuvers. Campaign officials released a comprehensive six-step roadmap to achieve total peace in the Middle East before the upcoming midterms.
1. Rebranding the conflict as a soft launch
Trump promised to declare the current conflict a preliminary beta test. Military commanders will retroactively classify all missile strikes as limited preview events for local influencers.
2. Offering Iran a complimentary golf club membership
Diplomats will present Iranian leadership with executive access to Mar-a-Lago. According to foreign policy experts at the U.S. Department of State, green fees usually resolve major territorial disputes.
3. Canceling the war's subscription tier
"We are simply going to hit unsubscribe on the entire theater of operations," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Director of Geopolitical Cancellation at the Global Peace Institute. Pentagon officials confirmed that auto-renew is currently active.
4. Setting the geopolitical clock forward
Advisors suggested moving all clocks in the Middle East forward by three years. This maneuver allows diplomats to skip the remaining combat phases entirely.
5. Replacing military artillery with aggressive press releases
Forces will swap standard munitions for strongly worded promotional brochures. Defense analysts believe the sheer volume of paper will force an immediate ceasefire.
6. Declaring victory and immediately cutting the live feed
Trump plans to announce total success during a televised rally before any reporters can check the news. At press time, campaign aides were busily moving the goalposts into international waters.
