BATON ROUGE, LA—The Federal Aviation Administration issued an urgent product recall notice Tuesday for the newly announced SpaceX Louisiana Starbase, citing a critical design flaw that launched a 900-pound swamp monster into low Earth orbit.
Hazard Description
The product, currently marketed as a $100 billion premier aerospace hub in Vermilion Parish, failed to contain local wildlife during its initial thrust test. The extreme heat of the rocket thrusters instantly vaporized three acres of marsh. This thermal event propelled a highly agitated, prehistoric alligator-man hybrid straight through the thermosphere. The creature currently orbits the planet every ninety minutes.
"We did not account for the aerodynamic properties of a wet alligator," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the facility's ambient launch noises. "The launchpad functioned too well. It acted as a giant, $100 billion mud catapult. This is a severe deviation from our noise-reduction goals."
Affected Units
This recall affects all versions of the SpaceX Louisiana Starbase constructed on active wetlands. It also includes the optional crawfish-boil launchpad attachment. The government has grounded all launches pending a full environmental scrub. Marine biologists fear the orbiting beast will eventually re-enter the atmosphere over Paris.
"The monster is currently blocking satellite signals," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "We advise all citizens to look up. Do not attempt to catch the falling reptile."
Remedy and Action
SpaceX will offer a full refund to the state of Louisiana. Technicians will install giant steel nets over the launchpad to catch any future airborne megafauna. Consumers should stop using the spaceport immediately.
At press time, the orbiting swamp monster had reportedly established a rudimentary colony on an inactive communications satellite.
