MUNICH— The ongoing antitrust hearing against Europe's newest aerospace conglomerate took an unexpected turn on Thursday. A leaked court transcript revealed that the primary SpaceX rival views orbital launches as nothing more than a high-altitude trash disposal service. Under intense cross-examination, executives admitted that the entire commercial spaceflight industry relies on convincing wealthy clients to shoot expensive metal garbage into the void. The revelation has sent shockwaves through the global space industry, exposing the thin veneer of scientific progress that masks a highly lucrative junk-hauling business.
The State of Bavaria v. Isar Horizon Aerospace
Excerpts from the testimony of Dr. Helmut Vance, Chief Garbage Orbitologist:
Q: Dr. Vance, you have repeatedly called your company a direct SpaceX rival. Can you explain the scientific utility of your latest launch?
A: Yes, of course. We took three tons of highly advanced, extremely expensive copper wire, wrapped it in gold foil, and threw it into the dark. It is gone now. No one will ever see it again.
Q: And this benefits humanity how, exactly?
A: Well, the client paid us eighty million dollars. Their corporate headquarters now has much more closet space. We are a SpaceX rival because we throw things away with more European elegance.
Q: So you are saying the entire rocket industry is just a glorified junk removal service?
A: "Glorified" is a strong word. We use a lot of fuel. But yes. The rich people have too many things on Earth. They want those things to go away. We put the things in a big metal tube and set it on fire. It is very simple. We even have a partnership with CNBC to film the fires. People love watching us burn their trash.
Q: Are you not deploying vital communication satellites?
A: We call them that to avoid taxes. Mostly they are just metal boxes filled with old tax documents and broken espresso machines. The vacuum of space is an excellent filing cabinet. It is very cold. It keeps the audit papers fresh.
Q: Is this what Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, meant when she called your launches 'the ultimate VIP distraction technique'?
A: Exactly. If the public is looking up at the shiny streak in the sky, they are not looking at the burning garbage pile behind the hangar. We are very proud of this synergy.
