WASHINGTON—The Department of Defense announced a major update to its maritime strategy today as Strait of Hormuz traffic dropped to zero following a successful federal initiative to fill the entire body of water with quick-drying cement.
1. The Navy Poured 900 Trillion Tons of Concrete
To enforce economic sanctions, American military vessels spent three weeks dumping wet cement into the Persian Gulf. This permanent blockade ensures that no cargo ships can pass. "We decided to bypass traditional blockades," said U.S. Navy Admiral Donald McBrine. "You cannot navigate a shipping lane when the shipping lane is a highway."
2. Iran Tries to Use Skateboards Instead
Local authorities in Tehran attempted to adapt by putting wheels on their largest oil tankers. The effort failed immediately when the massive steel ships crushed the skateboards under their own weight. Government officials confirm that Strait of Hormuz traffic now consists entirely of lost pigeons and confused desert lizards.
3. Live Nation Sees a New Venue Opportunity
The sudden creation of a flat, grey wasteland has attracted corporate event planners looking for massive outdoor spaces. "This is the premier spot for a dry music festival," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "We can fit twelve million people here with absolutely zero water stations."
4. Environmentalists Note the Fish Look Very Rigid
Marine biologists reported that local wildlife reacted poorly to the sudden geological shift. Millions of sea creatures are now permanent statues embedded in the grey floor. Activists claim this has destroyed the local ecosystem, though the Pentagon insists the fish are simply "holding very still."
5. The U.S. Announces Plans to Pave the Rest of the World
Following the successful reduction of Strait of Hormuz traffic, the Pentagon plans to expand the project. In a press conference, officials revealed blue prints to turn the Atlantic Ocean into a giant suburban strip mall by 2028.