NEW YORK—Fox News Media terminated anchor Maria Bartiromo early Thursday morning. Network executives cited her refusal to unsquint her eyes during live broadcasts as the primary cause for the sudden termination. The network had reportedly warned the host about her intense, hyper-focused facial expressions for several months.
A Permanent State of Suspicion
Management requested a softer look to ease morning viewers into the news cycle. Fox News executives claimed her extreme squint began to distort the studio lighting. The glare from her highly concentrated gaze reportedly shattered three high-definition camera lenses last Tuesday alone.
"We asked for a mild squint of journalistic skepticism," said Richard Vance, Senior Vice President of Optical Presentation at Fox. "Instead, she gave us a look that could pierce through sheet metal. Our graphics department could no longer fit the lower-third banners beneath her cheekbones."
The Center for Studies Confirms
The sudden departure of Maria Bartiromo left media analysts scrambling for answers. Some experts believe the intense facial posture was not a choice, but a permanent physiological shift. Her long tenure covering complex financial markets may have locked her face into a state of eternal disbelief.
"Our data shows a direct link between hosting morning television and facial rigor mortis," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Bartiromo simply reached the maximum allowable squint threshold. Had she squinted any harder, her eyes would have collapsed into a small black hole."
At press time, sources confirmed Maria Bartiromo was spotted outside the building, squinting furiously at a parking meter she suspected of harboring socialist tendencies.