TO: All Capitol Custodial Staff
FROM: Office of the House Sergeant at Arms
RE: Urgent Furniture Removal Procedures
The House back in session status requires immediate tactical intervention. Leadership demands we make the chamber as uncomfortable as possible. Many representatives hope this session ends within forty-eight hours. We must help them achieve this goal. Your primary objective today is the total confiscation of all seating.
Operation Standing Room Only
Please stack all leather chairs in the basement. Replace them with wet folding chairs from the cafeteria. If representatives cannot sit, they cannot debate. We must prevent them from settling in. This strategy aligns with the official House of Representatives guidelines on emergency recess acceleration.
"If we leave the chairs, they will start talking," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who currently serves as an honorary legislative consultant. "A standing politician is a fleeing politician. We must curate an environment of extreme physical urgency."
Additional Discomfort Protocols
Turn the thermostat to fifty degrees. Disable the elevators in the Longworth building. We want our lawmakers cold, tired, and desperate for their flights home. Do not refill the coffee stations. Replace all bottled water with warm, unsalted seltzer.
"We are targeting a departure by Thursday afternoon," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "If they find a comfortable place to rest, we might actually pass a budget. Nobody wants that pressure."
Please execute these orders immediately. We must ensure the House back in session experience feels like a long layover at a regional airport. Let us get them out of Washington before they accidentally govern.