WASHINGTON—A Senate judiciary subcommittee convened Tuesday to investigate how Taylor Swift's radio hegemony managed to seize 98% of all American FM broadcast bandwidth. The investigation followed reports that her latest single, "I Knew It, I Knew You," currently occupies 14 consecutive spots on the Billboard Radio Songs chart. Legal experts believe the track's inclusion on the Toy Story franchise soundtrack granted the singer unprecedented leverage over the national emergency broadcast system.
PROCEEDINGS RESUMED AT 10:14 AM
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill. I am the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. I also consult for the Federal Communications Commission on matters of sonic dominance.
Q: Mr. Quill, how does a single artist achieve Taylor Swift's radio hegemony to this degree?
A: It began with the physical buyouts of the towers. We noticed her team purchasing decommissioned military radar arrays in 2023. By the time "I Knew It, I Knew You" debuted, they had aligned the satellites.
Q: Aligned them? To what end?
A: To ensure that if a motorist turns a dial to any frequency between 88.1 and 107.9, they hear the same acoustic guitar pluck. It is a closed loop. The algorithm predicts your steering wheel adjustments.
Q: Surely local programmers still control their own playlists?
A: There are no programmers left. There is only Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, the Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. He feeds the target demographic data directly into a synthesizer that outputs her exact vocal register. The software locks the studio doors from the outside.
Q: Are you testifying that Taylor Swift's radio hegemony is an automated, self-replicating cartel?
A: I am testifying that I have not heard a song by another artist since the second term of the Obama administration. Even my microwave plays the bridge to "Cruel Summer" when my popcorn is finished.
Q: What happens if a station tries to play Billboard charting rivals instead?
A: The transmitter melts. Instantly. A thermite charge detonates in the mixing board. It is very efficient.
