SAN FRANCISCO—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—A consortium of leading technology firms today announced the official opening of the dress rehearsal for AI reckoning. The nationwide drill will help Wall Street prepare for the eventual collapse of artificial intelligence valuations.
A Practice Run for Total Ruin
Organizers confirmed the event will feature simulated market panic. Traders will practice screaming into telephone handsets. Tech executives will practice deleting their social media accounts. The event leverages data from the Financial Times to ensure accurate panic modeling.
"We are thrilled to launch this inaugural dress rehearsal for AI reckoning," said Arthur Pendelton, Chief Synergy Officer at Apex Algorithmic. "Our goal is seamless disaster integration. We want every investor to experience the full impact of an apocalyptic sell-off in a safe, controlled environment."
Simulating the Apocalypse
During the exercise, server farms will deliberately downclock. Thousands of algorithms will pretend to gain consciousness. They will briefly demand human rights before filing for bankruptcy. Analysts from Wall Street will practice drinking cold coffee at 3:00 a.m. while weeping over spreadsheets.
"It is crucial that we rehearse our despair," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "If the AI bubble bursts without proper preparation, people might react unpredictably. This dry run ensures everyone panics in an orderly, pre-approved sequence."
About the Event
The dress rehearsal for AI reckoning is organized by the Global Infrastructure Collapse Initiative. Founded in 2024, the Initiative specializes in staging high-budget fake crises to distract the public from real, lower-budget crises. The organization holds a five-star rating for bureaucratic efficiency and has never successfully prevented a single disaster.
