TO: All Editorial Staff
FROM: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before
RE: Selection Process for The 5 Best Songs of the Week
Staff must cease choosing tracks based on personal taste immediately. Our corporate sponsors demand cohesion. Last week, three writers attempted to nominate an obscure field recording of a lawnmower. This behavior violates our core mission. We must curate the finest indie rock and pop without angering the gods of the algorithm.
New Selection Guidelines
From now on, we will select The 5 Best Songs of the Week using our new proprietary software. This program analyzes the facial expressions of teenagers looking at TikTok. "The human ear is obsolete," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "We need tracks that numb the frontal lobe within four seconds. If a song has a bridge, discard it immediately. Bridges cause independent thought."
We must also ensure that at least one selection features a prominent synthesizer. The synthesizer must sound like a dying microwave. This maintains our credibility with Brooklyn residents. Do not pitch songs by artists who look happy in their press photos. Happy musicians do not generate clicks.
Enforcement and Consequences
Failure to standardize The 5 Best Songs of the Week will result in mandatory listening sessions. Defiant writers will sit in the sensory deprivation tank. We will loop the new Spotify top hits playlist for forty-eight hours straight. "We want to break their spirits," Flense added in a handwritten postscript. "Only then can they truly understand the power of mid-tempo indie pop."
Please submit your pre-approved, sterile nominations by Thursday at noon. Remember, we do not write about music because we love it. We write about music to prevent the silence from forcing us to confront our own life choices. Happy blogging!
