TO: All Editorial Staff
FROM: Management
RE: Mandatory appreciation of The 5 Best Songs Of The Week
We must remind everyone that Stereogum staff writers do not actually choose these tracks. A proprietary Excel spreadsheet makes these decisions. This weekly list represents the absolute zenith of modern music. You must agree with this publicly. Do not express alternative opinions on your personal social media accounts. We are watching your Bluesky feeds.
Enforce the Vibe
"We noticed a severe lack of enthusiasm in the Slack channels last Thursday," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "If the algorithm detects that a writer does not truly feel The 5 Best Songs Of The Week in their soul, we will restrict your API access. We need total, blind compliance to the groove."
Failure to nod your head during the mandatory listening session will result in a formal HR write-up. We have installed cameras in the breakroom to monitor physical reactions to the new Stereogum playlist. Your foot-tapping must synchronize with the beat of the third track.
Synergy Requirements
"I did not like the indie folk song we selected," said former staff writer Arthur Pendelton. "I told my editor that the banjo solo felt derivative. They escorted me from the building within ten minutes."
We wish Arthur well in his future endeavors outside of music journalism. Please remember that The 5 Best Songs Of The Week exist to drive subscription revenue. They do not exist for your critical analysis. If the spreadsheet selects a silence-only ambient track, you will write 400 words on its brave sonic texture.
Sincerely,
The Management (Dictated but not read, because we only listen to high-fidelity audio stems anyway)
