TO: All Federal Reserve Branch Directors
FROM: Office of the Treasury Secretary
RE: Execution of the Treasury debt buyback scheme using physical coupon reserves
WASHINGTON—We must address the ongoing challenges of our national balance sheet immediately. Under our new treasury debt buyback scheme, we will no longer purchase outstanding government obligations using standard cash reserves. Instead, we will execute all future buybacks using our strategic stockpile of expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. These blue-and-white paper assets still hold immense psychological power over the American consumer.
The Redemption Protocol
This treasury debt buyback scheme requires absolute discretion from all regional banks. “We are currently staring down a potential dollar devaluation spiral,” said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. “By trading 20% off a single item for billions of dollars in sovereign debt, we protect the United_States_dollar from actual market forces. The cashier at the register of history will surely accept these.”
Do not let creditors look too closely at the expiration dates. Most coupons expired in late 2018. However, we believe the sheer volume of 20%-off mailers will overwhelm foreign central banks. If a foreign diplomat questions the validity of a coupon, offer them a second coupon for a free trial of a streaming service they do not want.
Mitigating the Dollar Devaluation Spiral
Our primary goal remains the prevention of a dollar devaluation spiral. We must convince the Federal Reserve that a three-pack of microfiber towels is equivalent to one hundred million dollars in Treasury bonds. If we fail, our entire economic system will collapse into a heap of cheap plastic soap dispensers.
Please ensure all staff members are trained in looking very confident while handing over these coupons. If a bank teller hesitates, instruct them to ask to speak to a manager immediately. This classic retail maneuver has bypassed strict financial protocols for decades.
Sincerely,
The Management
(Dictated but not read: If this fails, we will be forced to back the dollar with standard store credit at Kohl's.)