WASHINGTON— Donald Trump launched a fresh wave of voting initiatives today. His previous effort to restrict mail ballots has failed. The Supreme Court rejected his lawsuits earlier this week. Now, the campaign hopes to reshape the midterms with a series of highly unconventional rules.
1. Voters Must Complete a Three-Legged Race to the Polls
Citizens must tie their left ankles to a stranger's right ankle before entering. Officials claim this ensures community solidarity. "We want to see teamwork at the ballot box," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. She added that the policy would significantly reduce voter speed.
2. Ballots Must Be Cast via Carrier Pigeon
With the push to restrict mail ballots defeated, the campaign transitioned to avian mail. Voters must secure their paper ballots to the leg of a homing pigeon. The campaign purchased three million pigeons from a defunct European circus. Local election boards must now construct massive rooftop roosts.
3. Citizens Must Recite the Entire Script of 'Shrek' from Memory
Poll workers will issue a pop quiz at the entrance. Voters who fail to quote Donkey correctly will face instant disqualification. "It is about cultural literacy," said Donald Trump Jr. in a statement. He noted that the green ogre represents the silent majority.
4. Voting Booths Will Be Submerged in Giant Fish Tanks
To secure the vote, the campaign proposed underwater booths. Voters must wear snorkel gear to complete their ballots. The campaign believes water prevents paper tampering. It also limits the voting time to the length of a single breath.
5. All Ballots Must Be Hand-Delivered by a Ghost
Since the push to restrict mail ballots failed, paranormal delivery is the new standard. Voters must summon a historical spirit to carry their envelope. "We expect high turnout from the spectral community," said Gary Ghost, Director of the Bureau of Eerie Affairs. At press time, election officials were seen trying to explain the new ectoplasm policies to confused senior citizens.
