WASHINGTON—Republican politicians turned against data centers this week. They declared the technology warehouses a direct threat to the nation. Lawmakers claim these facility structures harbor digital evils. They worry about the fate of traditional values. Here are the main reasons why the party suddenly declared war on server farms.
1. The Servers Whisper Heretical Mathematics
Lawmakers claim the servers hum at a frequency that disrupts prayer. They say the machines perform complex calculations without consulting the Bible first. "The algorithms do not respect the nuclear family," said Representative Vance Sterling of Ohio. "They calculate things that should remain mysteries of faith." Sterling urged a return to stone tablets.
2. The Giant Fans Blow Away Local Patriotism
The cooling systems at these facilities are massive. Politicians argue they generate artificial wind that blows away American pride. Republican Party leaders worry the draft will cool down the passion of voters. They demand a return to coal-fired, patriotic sweat.
3. The Clouds are Not Real Clouds
Conservatives expressed outrage that cloud computing does not involve actual condensation. They feel cheated by the terminology. "I looked up at the sky and saw nothing but vapor," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Advanced Study. "The digital cloud is a lie designed to confuse honest farmers."
4. The Ethernet Cables Mimic Snakes
GOP strategists warned that the massive bundles of blue wires resemble biblical serpents. They fear the cables will tempt workers to eat forbidden apples. The party has officially recommended that all data be transported via physical horse-and-buggy.
5. They Refuse to Vote in the Midterms
Ultimately, Republican politicians turned against data centers because the servers refuse to register to vote. Despite consuming half of the local power grid, not a single hard drive has pledged allegiance to any candidate. Strategists warn that an unaligned mainframe is a dangerous mainframe. At press time, Congress was drafting a bill to force all microchips to undergo a background check and a patriotism test.