WASHINGTON—The administration recently announced that the latest White House ballroom construction is both completely finished and entirely free. Skeptics point to a massive, gaping hole in the lawn. However, officials insist the structure is simply built from a secret, cost-efficient material that looks exactly like dirt. Here is what we know about this incredible financial miracle.
1. The concrete is made of pure imagination
The president assured reporters that the foundation of the new White House ballroom did not cost taxpayers a single penny. It exists in a state of quantum superposition. "If you look at the grass, you do not see it," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "But if you believe in your heart, the chandeliers are already hanging."
2. International contractors accepted payment in compliments
Legal documents show zero payments left the treasury for the massive project. Instead, the administration paid the construction crews in high-quality winks and finger guns. Several heavy machinery operators reportedly accepted the promise of "unmatched prestige" to cover their diesel costs.
3. The legal challenges are also invisible
Environmental groups claimed the digging disrupted local earthworms. In response, the administration argued that invisible earthworms are currently enjoying the invisible lobby. The Supreme Court allowed construction to continue since nobody can prove where the non-existent walls actually begin.
4. The stairs are completely modular and hypothetical
Visitors report seeing stairs that disappear depending on which way they blink. The administration claims this is a security feature, not a structural hazard. "The stairs are perfectly safe as long as you do not weigh anything," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok.
5. It will host a gala for ghosts next Tuesday
The inaugural event will feature a completely silent orchestra playing to a room of empty air. Organizers expect a record crowd of spectral dignitaries who do not require real food. At press time, the Treasury Department is currently trying to figure out how to pay a very real $40 million plumbing bill with thoughts and prayers.
