WASHINGTON— The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall today of all major AI detection tools after the software repeatedly flagged human DNA as a plagiarized high school essay.
Severe Biological False Positives
The recall affects over 40 software suites. These programs screen text and media for synthetic origins. However, a systemic glitch caused the systems to scan physical human skin cells and declare them 98% artificial. You can read about the Consumer Product Safety Commission guidelines on their official site. The agency classified the hazard level as extreme.
"We ran a swab of my cheek through the scanner," said Dr. Aris Thorne, Director of the Federal Bureau of Biological Authenticity. "The machine concluded that my left kidney violated the terms of service of ChatGPT. It then tried to delete my spleen. This is a massive failure of AI detection tools across the board."
Affected Units and Hazards
The recall covers all software versions deployed since January. Users report that the tools lock real people out of their own houses. The software claims the homeowners are deepfakes. "My smart fridge locked me out," said local resident Marcus Vance. "It told me my face lacked the organic warmth of a real consumer."
"We advise all citizens to stop scanning themselves," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "You cannot use AI detection tools to prove you exist. The algorithm will always win. It currently owns the copyright to my entire lower jaw."
The Remedy
The government orders all tech firms to issue immediate refunds. Users must uninstall the software to prevent further existential crises. At press time, three major universities refused to honor the recall because they had already failed their entire freshman class for having organic heartbeats.
