WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a national product recall today. The recall targets the highly experimental "Airport Welcome" protocol. Officials deployed this protocol during the recent Xi Jinping summit. Regulators warn that the current welcome procedure poses an immediate physical hazard to foreign dignitaries and local staff.
Severe Deference Defects
The safety recall affects all iterations of the "red carpet rollout." It also covers the customized "enthusiastic handshake" routine. Under normal circumstances, these diplomatic greetings pass without incident. However, inspectors found that the latest deployment lacked basic stability. The physical posture required for the current airport welcome caused several assistants to tilt at dangerous angles.
"We observed a severe structural failure in the greeting posture," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The extreme angles of the bow created a localized gravity well. This caused three secret service agents to lose their balance. One agent nearly swallowed a ceremonial tassel. The airport welcome is simply not rated for this level of deference."
Affected Units and Remedy
The recall affects approximately 400 yards of plush carpeting. It also targets twelve brass band instruments and one extremely shiny staircase. Consumers who purchased or participated in the airport welcome should cease operations immediately. Continued use of the protocol may result in spontaneous joint dislocation or diplomatic whiplash.
"We are taking this action to protect public health," said Marcus Vance, Chief of the Bureau of Foreign Posture Standards. "We cannot allow active political summits to collapse under the weight of their own theatricality. The remedy is simple. Staff must return to the standard nod of polite indifference."
At press time, federal technicians were trying to safely untangle three diplomats who had become permanently fused together during a double-handed clasp.
