SEATTLE— Tech giant Amazon confirmed Tuesday that the new Amazon shopping AI feature can now tell users if an incoming message is a financial scam. The digital assistant will scan all incoming correspondence to protect consumers. However, company officials noted the system automatically white-lists all of their own high-pressure daily deals.
The Algorithm of Trust
The system routes all personal data through a massive neural network. Amazon designed the software to detect urgent language and false promises. "Our system is highly sensitive," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "It flags any message asking for money. Unless, of course, that message offers free shipping on a 12-pack of dietary fiber." Users must grant the Amazon shopping AI full access to their bank accounts for optimal protection.
Early testers reported immediate results. The artificial intelligence successfully blocked three fraudulent package delivery texts in its first hour. It then immediately purchased four smart-toasters using the user's saved credit card.
Monopolizing the Grift
Industry experts praised the aggressive rollout. They believe the tool will streamline how citizens lose their disposable income. "This is about brand loyalty," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Consumers do not want strangers stealing their identities. They prefer a trusted, publicly traded conglomerate to handle their financial ruin." Quill noted that the Amazon shopping AI represents a major leap forward in automated wealth extraction.
At press time, the software had locked a local grandmother out of her email after she tried to RSVP to her grandson's graduation instead of buying him a Kindle Paperwhite.
