CUPERTINO, CA—Technology giant Apple announced its upcoming Apple 'Welcome Home' event this morning, promising a revolutionary suite of smart appliances designed to optimize domestic isolation. The new hardware lineup focuses heavily on minimizing human interaction. Industry insiders claim the flagship product is a smart doorbell that actively discourages people from ringing it.
A Smarter Way to Ignore People
The upcoming Apple 'Welcome Home' event will showcase three new devices developed in partnership with LG Electronics. The primary device, dubbed the HomeLock, uses advanced biometric sensors to scan visitors. It then plays a pre-recorded audio message explaining why the homeowner is too tired to see them.
"We wanted to bring the seamless magic of iOS to the front porch," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If a delivery driver approaches, the door automatically projects a holograph of a sleeping guard dog. It is incredibly intuitive."
Total Domestic Isolation
The second product scheduled for the Apple 'Welcome Home' event is a smart thermostat that adjusts the indoor climate based on the homeowner's social anxiety levels. The device lowers the temperature to freezing if it detects an unannounced neighbor on the property. This ensures the neighbor departs quickly.
"Our users do not want to connect with the world," said Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of Intrusive Technology at Apple. "They want their homes to act as premium, aluminum-brushed fortresses of solitude. This event will deliver exactly that."
At press time, Apple engineers were rushing to patch a bug in the smart doorbell that accidentally invited Jehovah's Witnesses inside for tea.
