FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CHICAGO, IL—Badum Corp proudly announces its new Canada Tariffs Premium Protection Plan today. This elite subscription tier shields American consumers from the impending Canada tariffs. As global commerce prepares for potential disruptions, our forward-thinking logistics division remains committed to raising prices in a premium way.
A Seamless Transition to Higher Costs
Our customers demand absolute luxury. Therefore, we designed our Canada tariffs strategy around exclusive VIP pricing. For just eighty dollars a month, members can purchase imported Canadian timber and automotive parts at their original pre-crisis retail value. Non-members will simply watch their local hardware stores burn.
"We are thrilled to leverage this historic trade dispute to optimize our synergy," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before and current Vice President of Trade Deterrence at Badum Corp. "Our team worked day and night to turn international panic into a recurring monthly charge. It is what our shareholders deserve."
Empowering Consumers to Pay More
The Canada tariffs present a unique challenge to the average North American commuter. Under our new framework, subscribers receive priority access to un-tariffed maple syrup and steel. Our distribution warehouses in North Dakota stand ready to hoard these goods indefinitely. We look forward to a long, mutually profitable trade war.
ABOUT BADUM CORP:
Badum Corp is a multinational conglomerate specializing in artificial scarcity, regulatory loophole exploitation, and the manufacture of those tiny plastic tabs that hold price tags on socks. Founded in a tax haven in 1984, we exist solely to transfer wealth from panicked suburbanites to our executive retreat in Aspen.
