OTTAWA— The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for all units of "Patriotism Supplements" after thousands of Canadians developed severe hives. The federal agency linked the outbreak directly to citizens attempting to boycott Trump's America by purging all United States imports from their homes.
Hazard: Extreme Moral Friction
According to the recall notice, the affected units include any physical item manufactured, assembled, or even thought about in the contiguous United States. "We detected dangerous levels of nationalistic hubris in these products," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "When a Canadian citizen touches a Florida orange or a Detroit spark plug, their polite biology rejects it. The body goes into a state of extreme moral friction to boycott Trump's America."
Government officials have identified over 35 million affected units currently sitting in Ontario pantries. The hazard level remains critical. One Calgary man reportedly sneezed for four hours after looking at a map of Ohio. The Canadian government urges all citizens to check their labels immediately.
Remedy: Immediate Apology Protocol
The approved remedy requires consumers to place all American goods in a brown paper bag. Citizens must then whisper "sorry" to the bag three times. "We advise consumers to return the goods to the nearest border crossing," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "Do not attempt to burn the items. The resulting smoke contains high concentrations of high-fructose corn syrup."
At press time, federal regulators warned that even humming Bruce Springsteen songs could trigger a localized rash on the vocal cords.
