NEW YORK—A federal courtroom descended into chaos Tuesday during the antitrust trial of major record labels. Prosecutors entered a transcript into the public record that links the pop star's latest single to a weaponized psychological program. Under intense cross-examination, a prominent industry executive admitted that the new track Carly Rae Jepsen Motivation is not actually a song at all. Instead, it is a highly classified acoustic stimulant designed to force physical labor out of weary citizens.
PROSECUTOR: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
WITNESS: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Bellweather, let us discuss the track Carly Rae Jepsen Motivation. Our forensic musicologists analyzed the waveforms. They found sub-audible frequencies that bypass the auditory cortex entirely. What is the true purpose of this track?
WITNESS: It is a productivity initiative. The Federal Reserve asked us for help. The US workforce is tired. Coffee is no longer working. We needed something stronger to boost GDP. We needed the Carly Rae Jepsen Motivation initiative.
PROSECUTOR: You are telling this court that a Carly Rae Jepsen song is a government-mandated stimulant?
WITNESS: Yes. Have you listened to it? You cannot sit still. You start folding laundry. You clean your gutters. By the third chorus, you are filing your taxes three years in advance. It is not art. It is a highly efficient neurological cattle prod.
PROSECUTOR: And how deep does this go? Who else is involved in this acoustic conspiracy?
WITNESS: Everyone. Jack Antonoff engineered the snare drum to stimulate dopamine receptors in the motor cortex. We tested it on lab rats. They built a miniature replica of the Broadway theater district in under four hours. If we release the double album, we can rebuild the nation's crumbling infrastructure by Friday.
PROSECUTOR: No further questions, Your Honor. May God have mercy on our playlists.
