Business
Bond Sell-Off Questioned in Federal Court Hearing
A federal court transcript reveals the recent global bond sell-off was triggered by a scary bird in London and bad vibes.
Section
Business
Deadpan business satire about corporate culture, earnings calls and executives who definitely exist.
Business
5 Ways Asian Markets Tumble To Show Absolute Panic
See how Asian markets tumble in style as brokers find theatrical new ways to express deep financial dread.
Business
Wall Street Shaky Start Normalized via Mandatory Trading Floor Screaming Matches
Badum Financial Group addresses the shaky start in markets by mandating daily screaming matches on the trading floor.
Business
Federal Reserve Pegs 10-Year Yield to the Heart Rate of This One Specific Squirrel
The Federal Reserve stabilized the market by pegging the 10-year yield directly to the panic levels of a DC park squirrel.
Business
Urgent Bond Yield Recall Notice Issued After Dangerous Spikes Inject Panic
A mandatory bond yield recall has been issued by federal regulators after sovereign debt units overheated, causing physical burns to global investors.
Business
Secret Ad Fees Exposed in Federal Antitrust Courtroom
Court transcripts reveal the absurd mechanics of the retail giant's secret ad fees that drove up prices.
Business
Business Groups Applaud Food Price Cap but Demand We Make Cardboard Edible
Business groups respond to the food price cap by demanding the legal right to sell cardboard as high-fiber dinner.
Business
Military industrial complex issues product recall on high-yield explosives due to market volatility
Regulators issue a product recall on military high-yield explosives after tactical strikes accidentally caused Wall Street stock futures to tumble.
Business
Sovereign Pride Hydropower Tunnels Recalled Due To Safety Defect
Regulators issue a recall for Sovereign Pride Hydropower Tunnels after the systems blocked foreign rescue efforts during recent safety testing.
Business
Goldman Sachs Predicts Unsolicited Forecasts Will Drive Post-Flood Recovery
Goldman Sachs deploys millions of unsolicited forecasts to flood victims to help them visualize the rain they are standing in.
Business
Banque Misr Sanctions Create Exciting New Synergies in Accidental Wealth Loss
Banque Misr sanctions inspire a bold new strategy of involuntary asset protection and zero-liquidity wealth management.
Business
Canada trade war sparks high-stakes maple syrup heist on Michigan border
A Canada trade war has triggered massive maple syrup smuggling rings along the Michigan border as prices skyrocket.
Business
CEO Leaks Memo Demanding We Pump Air Into Corporate Gym
A leaked memo reveals plans to pump air into corporate gym facilities following a minor structural flood.
Business
Federal Reserve Recalls Warsh Speeches Over Extreme Inflation Risks
Federal regulators issue a recall of Warsh speeches due to hazardous levels of hawkish rhetoric that may overheat the economy.
Business
Fed Chair Warsh fights inflation by whispering very quietly
Fed Chair Warsh fights inflation by whispering at reporters, claiming loud noises make the dollar lose its value.
Business
Fighting Inflation Means Fighting You, Fed Warns
Federal Reserve officials confirm they are not done fighting inflation and plan to physically fight you behind a grocery store.
Business
Federal Reserve Product Recall: Interest Rate Hikes Deemed Choking Hazard for Small Businesses
Regulators issue a nationwide recall on interest rate hikes after reports of severe choking hazards among small businesses.
Business
Strait of Hormuz Recalled After Officials Declare Waterway Obsolete
The Department of Energy has issued a safety recall on the Strait of Hormuz, declaring the Persian Gulf waterway obsolete and defective.