NEW YORK—A ongoing tribunal exposed major corporate panic Wednesday as the current tech selloff intensified following testimony from a top software executive. Industry leaders watched in horror as internal corporate secrets spilled into open court.
Q: Mr. Quill, as Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, can you explain what triggered this massive tech selloff?
A: Your Honor, we simply looked at the balance sheets. The entire sector spent $400 billion on artificial intelligence this quarter. In exchange, we received three hallucinatory haikus and a blurry picture of a pope in a puffer jacket.
Q: Did that realization shock the investment board?
A: Deeply. We realized our entire business model relies on selling increasingly warm, glowing rectangles to tired people. We lost the original blueprints for innovation during a corporate retreat in 2014.
Q: Is it true that major microchip companies are just painting tiny rocks gray?
A: I cannot answer that without my lawyer. But I will say that the new server farms are just empty warehouses containing thousands of hummable box fans.
Q: Are you telling this court that Silicon Valley produces no actual value?
A: Correct. We just move shiny light pixels around until someone accidentally clicks an advertisement for mattresses. That is the entire global internet economy.
At press time, the witness accidentally revealed that the tribunal itself was an interactive virtual reality simulation designed to raise a Series B funding round.
