Business
Nvidia's $279 Billion Bet Includes These 5 Absurd Investments
Nvidia's $279 Billion Bet targets green grass, lunar advertising, and subterranean magma servers.
Section
Business
Deadpan business satire about corporate culture, earnings calls and executives who definitely exist.
Business
Diesel fuel milestone forces shipping company to use human hamsters
Leaked memo reveals a logistics firm is replacing trucks with human hamster wheels after a major diesel fuel milestone.
Business
Launch Startups Announce $10 Billion Series A to Think About Rockets
Two European launch startups secure $10 billion in funding to think about rockets without the burden of actually building them.
Business
Underground Survival Tunnels Recalled Due to Excessive Survival Rates
Regulators issue a product recall notice for underground survival tunnels after two workers survived nine days trapped in a collapsed shaft.
Business
Mortgage Rates Hit 300 Percent to Ensure Only Ghosts Can Afford Homes
Mortgage rates hit record highs as banking officials pivot to selling homes exclusively to ghosts and other non-living entities.
Business
Broadcom Stock Falls Because Investors Fear Any Tech Company Doing Well Is A Sign Of The End Times
Investors dumped Broadcom stock because solid financial earnings are clearly a trap set by a vengeful God.
Business
Google AdTech Ruling Sparks Joyful Corporate Panic At Magnite
Magnite celebrates the Google AdTech ruling with absolute, unbridled corporate joy and several incomprehensible charts.
Business
Major Indexes Rise After Traders Sacrifice Golden Calf to Nvidia
Major indexes rise after Wall Street traders admit to sacrificing livestock to stabilize Nvidia and Dell stock prices in a federal court hearing.
Business
New Economy Dashboard Unveiled by Federal Reserve for Immediate Panic
The Federal Reserve launches its new economy dashboard to track financial ruin through animated emojis and real-time vibe checks.
Business
MongoDB Recall Notice Issued Following Unexplained Stock Tumbles
A federal product recall notice has been issued for MongoDB following unexpected stock tumbles caused by highly profitable corporate earnings.
Business
Bond Sell-Off Questioned in Federal Court Hearing
A federal court transcript reveals the recent global bond sell-off was triggered by a scary bird in London and bad vibes.
Business
5 Ways Asian Markets Tumble To Show Absolute Panic
See how Asian markets tumble in style as brokers find theatrical new ways to express deep financial dread.
Business
Wall Street Shaky Start Normalized via Mandatory Trading Floor Screaming Matches
Badum Financial Group addresses the shaky start in markets by mandating daily screaming matches on the trading floor.
Business
Federal Reserve Pegs 10-Year Yield to the Heart Rate of This One Specific Squirrel
The Federal Reserve stabilized the market by pegging the 10-year yield directly to the panic levels of a DC park squirrel.
Business
Urgent Bond Yield Recall Notice Issued After Dangerous Spikes Inject Panic
A mandatory bond yield recall has been issued by federal regulators after sovereign debt units overheated, causing physical burns to global investors.
Business
Secret Ad Fees Exposed in Federal Antitrust Courtroom
Court transcripts reveal the absurd mechanics of the retail giant's secret ad fees that drove up prices.
Business
Business Groups Applaud Food Price Cap but Demand We Make Cardboard Edible
Business groups respond to the food price cap by demanding the legal right to sell cardboard as high-fiber dinner.
Business
Military industrial complex issues product recall on high-yield explosives due to market volatility
Regulators issue a product recall on military high-yield explosives after tactical strikes accidentally caused Wall Street stock futures to tumble.