AMHERST, MA—Indie rock legends Dinosaur Jr. announced a massive expansion to their current road schedule. The newly expanded Dinosaur Jr. tour now runs consecutively through the winter of 2038. Band management confirmed the move aims to reach every single suburban father currently residing in North America. Frontman J Mascis reportedly made the decision after spotting a single 48-year-old man in Ohio who was not wearing earplugs.
The Infinite Road
The band will hit traditional markets before entering a grueling loop of regional hardware store parking lots. Organizers designed the routing using advanced demographic heat maps. "We analyzed lawnmower sales data," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our models show the Dinosaur Jr. tour must remain active until the last Gen-Xer loses his hearing entirely."
Fans expressed immediate excitement about the infinite routing. Many praised the band for their dedication to high-decibel Marshall stacks. The extended trek coincides with their new album, There Near, which features songs that sound exactly like their old songs but slightly louder.
A Threat to Spouses Nationwide
The sheer volume of the upcoming shows has already drawn concern from local community leaders. Some worry about the sudden influx of faded flannel shirts and faded baseball caps in mid-sized cities. "My husband has already purchased tickets for six different dates on this Dinosaur Jr. tour," said Sarah Jenkins, a local wife. "He keeps saying he needs to see if Lou Barlow still plays his bass with a pick. I am very tired."
At press time, J Mascis was seen staring blankly at a wall of amplifiers, waiting for the year 2035 to arrive so he could soundcheck in Toledo.
