WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced an immediate product recall of the new single Dominic Fike Wallflower. Regulators classified the track as an active health hazard. The song supposedly promotes cessation. Instead, it triggers intense physical cravings for light blue American Spirits.
Hazard Level: Extreme
"We found a defect in the acoustic engineering," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The chorus contains a hidden frequency. It sounds exactly like a Bic lighter flicking in a damp alleyway. Listeners immediately began searching their pockets for a pack."
The recall affects all digital streams of the Columbia Records release. Over 5 million units in the United States currently stream the hazardous audio. Authorities urge citizens to delete the track from their playlists immediately. The Dominic Fike Wallflower recall marks the first time a indie-pop hook has posed a direct threat to cardiovascular health.
Remedy and Compensation
"We are advising the public to destroy their MP3s," said Marcus Bellweather, the federal agency’s Deputy Director of Auditory Contraband. "Do not attempt to hum the melody. If you hum the melody, you will crave a puff." Fike’s team has not yet commented on the Dominic Fike Wallflower recall. The singer originally intended the song to accompany his upcoming album, How To Quit Smoking.
Consumers can exchange their digital stream for a safe, non-addictive acoustic track by Jack Johnson. At press time, federal agents were actively raiding Spotify servers to confiscate the master tapes using giant, lead-lined tongs.
