PALM BEACH, FL— Donald Trump gathered the nation's top oil executives at Mar-a-Lago on Thursday to address fuel costs by forcing them into a mandatory group hug.
1. The Pre-Hug Threat Assessment
Trump began the summit by accusing the energy giants of gouging hardworking Americans at the pump. He then demanded everyone stand up, extend their arms, and prepare for intimate physical contact to lower prices. To learn more about fuel markets, visit the American Petroleum Institute.
2. The Three-Minute Minimum Hold
The president-elect insisted that the mandatory group hug last for at least three full minutes to ensure maximum economic relief. Trump reportedly squeezed Chevron's chief executive so hard that the man's pocket protector snapped in half. "I felt the inflation leaving his body," Trump later remarked to aides.
3. The Apology Whispers
During the embrace, Trump required each executive to whisper a soft apology into his ear regarding refinery profit margins. "It was highly irregular," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Usually, we just write a check, but this time we had to sway side-to-side while he hummed." Read more about domestic production on Reuters.
4. The Scent of Premium Unleaded
Witnesses reported that the scent of expensive cologne and crude oil filled the ballroom as the executives reluctantly pressed their torsos together. Trump repeatedly praised the executives for their "supple, high-yielding shoulders" while tapping them on the back.
5. The Final Squeeze
To conclude the summit, Trump announced that gas prices would immediately drop by four cents because of the sheer warmth of the cuddle. At press time, ExxonMobil's board of directors was drafting a formal corporate resolution to determine who would have to be the little spoon at the next quarterly meeting.
