WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a national recall today for all Drake Iceman songs following reports of severe, unprovoked sadness. The federal agency classified the tracks as a Class I hazard. This designation means exposure to the music poses an immediate threat to public stamina. Regulators rushed the decision after the rapper performed the tracks live for the first time during Don Toliver's recent Toronto concert.
Hazardous Levels of Emotional Dampness
The federal safety notice specifically targets the sonic frequencies embedded within the new Drake Iceman songs. Investigators found that the low-tempo basslines cause listeners to stare blankly at their phones. Many victims reported texting their high school exes within seconds of exposure. Physical symptoms include sudden sighing and an inability to leave the couch.
"We detected unsafe levels of self-pity in the audio files," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The Drake Iceman songs bypass normal human defenses. Our laboratory testing showed that even a brief five-second snippet can ruin a perfectly good Saturday night. We advise all citizens to delete the files immediately."
Affected Units and Emergency Remedies
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and live vocal iterations of the Drake Iceman songs. Authorized technicians are currently working with major streaming platforms to install digital acoustic dampeners. Until then, the government urges citizens to avoid any venue where a rapper might suddenly appear on stage with a microphone.
Consumers who purchased tickets to the Toronto show may apply for a full refund of their emotional labor. The manufacturer has agreed to replace the affected files with upbeat, generic elevator music to stabilize national morale.
At press time, federal agents were seen entering Drake's mansion wearing hazmat suits and carrying giant earplugs.
