FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NEW YORK—Goldman Sachs announced today a groundbreaking initiative to combat global climate anxiety by deploying millions of unsolicited forecasts directly to citizens in active disaster zones.
The program promises to deliver high-quality, non-binding predictive models to families. These families currently face rising water levels in the Bhotekoshi River. Analysts believe that these charts will help residents visualize the rain they are currently standing in.
Synergistic Meteorological Optimization
"We see a massive opportunity for synergy here," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our proprietary algorithms indicate that while water levels are rising, the market for speculative climate data has never been hotter. We are proud to offer our thoughts during this damp time."
The initiative will dispatch drone fleets. These drones will drop laminated bar graphs directly into the rising floodwaters. Goldman Sachs executives confirmed that the paper is not waterproof. They noted that the data remains highly valuable for the brief seconds it remains legible.
About Goldman Sachs Unsolicited Forecasts
Goldman Sachs is a leading global investment banking, securities, and investment management firm. The firm specializes in telling people what will happen after it has already occurred. Our team of 10,000 analysts works tirelessly to ensure that no tragedy goes unmonitored by a middle manager. We do not provide sandbags, rescue boats, or financial aid. However, we do offer a robust suite of PowerPoint presentations. These slides clearly show that things could indeed get much worse.